2020
Day I
Round 1: Best Ball – Crispin Golf Course, Wheeling, WV
Trey/West vs. James/PJ – Blue
Johnny/Storm vs. Felton/Blatt – Blue
Red Team: 0
Blue Team: 2
Round 2: Scramble – Jones Golf Course, Wheeling, WV
Trey/Johnny vs. James/Felton – Red
West/Storm vs. PJ/Blatt – Red
Red Team: 2
Blue Team: 2
Following the opening ceremonies and the playing of the Tony Danza National Anthem (Who’s The Boss? Theme Song), the Danza crew was ready to hit the 1st tee at Crispin Golf Course. The Blue Team got off to a hot start, taking the first 2 points in the Best Ball event in dominating fashion. They appeared to be rolling on all cylinders until the wrath of PJ’s butthole came upon him. PJ spent the lunch break in between rounds dealing with food poisoning, blowing out from both ends like a fire hydrant. He was ready to throw in the towel and find a replacement, except the rest of the crew simply did not find that acceptable and forced him to ride it out. He was furious at the gang’s decision, but trudged on anyway. His game had clearly been affected, as West and Storm trounced him and Blatt. Trey/Johnny vs. James/Felton was the only matchup of the whole tournament that was settled at the 18th hole. Despite a valiant effort from the Blue Team, Trey and Johnny were able to hold them off, thus completing a Red Team sweep in the Scramble event to even the score at 2-2, ending day 1.
Day II
Round 3: Alternate Shot – The Palmer Course, Stonewall Resort, Roanoke WV
West/Johnny vs. PJ/Felton – Red
Trey/Storm vs. James/Blatt – Red
Red team: 4
Blue team: 2
Round 4: Individual – The Palmer Course, Stonewall Resort, Roanoke WV
Trey vs. James - Blue
West vs. PJ - Red
Johnny vs. Felton - Blue
Storm vs. Blatt - Blue
Final Team Score: 5-5 (5.5 points or more needed to win)
Opening up Day 2 at The Palmer Course at Stonewall Resort, the boys once again pledged their allegiance to Tony Danza with tears in their eyes as they lipped “brand new life.. brand new life!” while the Who’s The Boss? intro rolled on. With the tournament in a 2-2 standoff, The Danza was anyone’s game. Just like the Blue Team getting off to a hot start the day prior, it was the Red Team’s turn. Picking up where they left off in Round 2, the Red Team swept the Alt Shot, now having won 4 straight matches to take what felt like a commanding lead. The Red Team was just 1.5 points away from claiming The Danza Cup with 4 remaining matches to be had. A win and a tie, that’s all it took. Surely with how the Red Team was playing at this point they were easily going to close it down in the Individual matchups. So when the last round had arrived, the Red Team gave their pep talks, had their confidence on full blast, went in there ready to claim the Cup, and got their asses absolutely handed to them. It was a 3-1 shellacking in favor of the Blue Team. The only Red Player who won – West, had actually lost the first 2 holes. West, seeing his playing partner Trey also lose the first 2 holes, knew his team was now in real jeopardy of losing the tournament if he didn’t get his shit together. He put his Tony Danza face on and tore through PJ harder than Pickles’ wings, rattling off the next 10 holes to close out their match on the 12th hole with an 8&6 victory. Meanwhile, the rest of the Red Team had a hard time seeing or hearing about West’s triumph, as they were simultaneously giving it their best effort to dislodge their heads from their assholes. James, Felton, and Blatt put on an outright clinic, categorically mopping the floor with Trey, Johnny, and Storm, respectively. In fact, the Individual event collectively didn’t go past the 14th hole. The Red and Blue Teams were now in a deadlocked 5-5 tie. After 4 grueling rounds of golf with 10 total matches played, the Danza Cup still had not yet been decided. The Danza boys were now off to the Sudden Death Playoffs.
Sudden Death Playoffs
First Playoff Round – Team Scramble: Halved
The Sudden Death Playoffs were about as intense as any sporting event could possibly get for guys in their late 20s who aren’t professional athletes and haven’t played an organized sport in 10 years. The par 3, 16th hole was the designated playoff hole. It was a daunting, downhill hole with a pond right beside the green, and out-of-bounds territory surrounding pretty much everywhere else. It could also be argued that the view from this tee box is the most beautiful of any on the course. With both teams standing on what felt like a mountaintop looking down, you could cut the tension with a knife. Similar to how the beginning of each day was kicked off to the Who’s The Boss? theme song, it was only fitting that the sudden death playoffs be kicked off to a group a cappella of The Final Buttcheeks. Following our beautiful rendition and a few odd stares from the group below, the sudden death playoffs were full go ahead.
The first playoff round was a one-hole, sudden death, team scramble format. The ruling of which team would lead off was naturally decided by a coin flip, a very prevalent theme of this tournament. The Red Team was slated to go first, followed by the Blue Team in alternating order from the D players up to the A players. Eric Storm of the Red Team was first to hit. He stood overtop his ball as he eyed up that treacherous shot, and with blood coursing through his veins, nervous as all hell, he took a hack at it and his teammates held their breath. It wasn’t the prettiest ball flight, but it managed to hit the green and slow down enough to stop on the fringe. It wasn’t a bad start, not ideal, but it was definitely doable. It was enough to take some pressure off and really let the rest of the Red Team attack the flag. And that’s exactly what they didn’t do. Johnny used his last remaining Master’s collector’s ball that he bought at Augusta National for good luck, and he sent that baby into the absolute abyss, going so hilariously out of bounds that his lucky ball was beyond findable. But that’s not really a big deal and he hardly cared because it’s so easy to win tickets to the Master’s that he’ll probably just go back next year and get more then. Both Jordan and Trey then overpowered their shots, flying their balls past the green. This left only Storm’s shot as the playable ball. Blatt went first for the Blue Team, and he sent his ball straight to no man's land. PJ going 2nd, also sent his ball over the prairie. Felton was next, and he put his safely on the green, though leaving a long putt. James going last, was able to stick one inside of Felton's, leaving themselves with a better look at birdie. The Blue Team went with James’ shot, a perfectly fine 20ish foot putt from the right side of the green. The Red Team’s putt was actually closer, but since their ball was on the fringe, they were technically out, and had to putt first. They gave it their best run at it, but all 4 putts had missed, leaving them to tap in for par.
The Blue Team then had a chance to end the tournament and hoist that glorious Danza Cup, as the Red Team sat there helplessly and prayed they all missed. First was Blatt, next was PJ – both had missed. James was 3rd in the lineup with Felton batting cleanup. Unfortunately (or should I say fortunately for the Red Team) due to Covid and the rules in place at the time to prevent its spread, the flagstick had to stay in the hole at all times. James lined up his putt, hit a solid stroke, and everyone from both teams watched on anxiously as his ball headed straight for the cup. The ball hit dead center of the flagstick and bounced out. There has been much debate about whether or not this ball would’ve gone in had the flagstick been removed from the cup. Throughout the tournament, whenever this situation arose, the players of the other team would make the final call on if they thought it was going in or not. We all played by the honor system and judged as objectively as we could. But this wasn’t just another hole. This was to determine the inaugural Danza Cup. To this day, the Red Team argues the ball was coming in too hot to have gone in regardless of whether the stick was there or not. The Blue Team argues that had the stick been removed, the ball would’ve gone in. There is no way of truly knowing what would’ve or could’ve been. But one thing was certain, and both teams agreed on it: the inaugural Danza Cup was NOT being settled by a putt where the ball did not end up resting in the bottom of the cup. Still, this left the Red Team with one last bullet to dodge. Felton gave it his best run at it, but it just wasn't meant to be. More than anything it just felt like in the moment, the Blue Team just had the wind sucked out of their sails after James' heartbreaking putt, and because of that Felton never really had a chance. As controversial as this round had become, everyone’s hands were tied, and off to the 2nd playoff round the teams would go.
Second Playoff Round – West vs. Felton: Halved
After the highly dramatic opening playoff round, the 2nd round called for each team to send forth one player to represent the entire team. The same downhill par 3, 16th hole would be replayed. This was a clear-cut choice for the Red Team. Despite Trey being the Red Team’s best player at everyone’s peak, West had simply run too hot throughout this tournament for them not to go with him. After all, he was the only player from the team that won in the Individual event, and the only player from both teams that finished with a winning record of 3-1. As for the Blue Team, they went all the way down to their C player for their choice. It may sound odd on paper, but it was also the obvious choice for them. As I said before, Felton has arguably the cleanest iron swings of anyone, and seeing as this was a par 3 iron shot, this was an easy selection for the Blue Team.
The 2 players then got into separate carts and made that long, lonesome trek up that winding cart path back to the tee box. Both visibly shaking with nerves as they saw their teammates standing down below, watching… waiting… it was West who was first to go. Attempting to correct from his previous shot that went past the green, he changed clubs from his 9-iron to his pitching wedge. This in turn ended up being an overcompensation compared to trying a 3/4th swing with his 9-iron, as his flush strike was only enough to land the ball on the front of the green, leaving him with about a 30-foot-putt. Felton, continuing his trend of excellent iron shots, stuck his ball to about 8 feet, putting the Red Team at odds. With the remaining 6 members of the Danza all standing around the green watching on and rooting for their guy, this made these next putts all the more pressure-packed. West had a pretty damn good lag putt, leaving himself with a 5-footer for par, but even still, the Red Team’s hopes now relied on Felton not making his putt. Felton, standing over an 8-foot-putt to end the Danza and claim the Cup for the Blue Team, had the Red Team shitting in their pants and the Blue Team praying for glory. He lined up his putt and gave a nice strike. The ball was on a nice line, and for a second appeared as if the tournament was over, but then the ball veered off course and ended up a few inches from the cup. West gave Felton the nod to pick his ball up as it was good for par, and now all the pressure shifted back to West. He still had a loooong 5 feet for par. And in Danza distance, where the Cup hinges on this one putt, it may as well have been 50 feet. The 3 remaining members of the Red Team, by this point, had just dislodged their heads from their asses in the nick of time to watch West line up his putt. All the pressure was now on one man, and like Tiger Woods on the 18th green of the 2008 U.S. Open needing to drain his putt in order to advance to the next round, West knocked that ball in the back center of the cup. Expect anything different?
Third Playoff Round – Trey vs. James: 1 up Red Team Victory
The final playoff round wasn’t exactly as graceful as the round preceding it. This head-to-head matchup had the 2 heavy hitters pitted against one another. The top dogs, the generals, the A players – Trey of the Red Team and James of the Blue Team were next in line. Unfortunately, a group of golfers that had been a few holes back finally caught up to us at 16. Surely when they arrived to the tee box and looked down to see 8 guys standing around the green in uniform (well, technically 7 were in uniform… dammit PJ…), they couldn't have been too thrilled. Knowing that there were more groups behind them, we had to move our playoff hole to the 17th. We had agreed before the tournament that if a sudden death playoff were necessary, we would play it on a par 3 hole for practicality, and to give every member an even chance to make the green in one shot. Seeing as the 17th hole at Stonewall is a par 4, we had to improvise by placing our own makeshift tee box at the end of the first fairway before the swamplands, as pictured below.
James led off. It wasn’t his prettiest shot of the tournament to say the least, sailing wide right near out of bounds territory, just staying in. The door was open for the Red Team, but only briefly, as Trey caught his ball fat and hit it short, but still enough to clear the swampland. Neither of them were exactly in excellent shape. James was again first to go. He miss-hit once more and left his ball above the green, looking at a chip down to the hole. Trey, a little hesitant to go pin seeking, decided to play it safe and aim for the middle of the green. He was able to land his ball roughly where he wanted, but it had rolled to the back of the green, leaving himself with approximately 40 feet back to the hole. The tournament was still anyone’s game. James lined up his downhill chip, but sometimes golf can just be cruel, and he miss-hit yet again, blading his ball across the green and back into the rough. Letting his frustration get the better of him, James again bladed it back across the green, now imitating a game of ping pong. Finally James was able to chip his ball on the green, but it was too little too late. Trey, realizing he had the tournament all but locked up, decided to play it conservatively... maybe a little too conservatively... as he only lagged his putt half the distance to the hole, with 20 feet still remaining. Trey, again to go, lagged his putt to 5 feet from the cup. Visibly angry, James then 2 putted his ball in for a crowd-pleasing 7. All Trey had to do at this point was 2 putt from 5 feet for the win. Wanting to play it overly-cautious again and ensure he wasn’t going to accidentally blow it by the hole, Trey gently tapped his ball to within a few inches of the cup. He then walked up to the hole and tapped it in to clinch the inaugural Danza Cup Tournament for the Red Team. Every now and then, it’s not about who can be the most graceful and pristine, but rather, who can be the most nitty-gritty. If you want to have what it takes to win a Danza Cup, you need to be willing to get in the mud and grind it out. Often times, birdies and eagles will win you matches, but sometimes, triple bogeys will win you Danza Cups.
Final Results
Red Team – 5 (1-Up Playoffs)
Blue Team – 5
Individual Records:
Red team:
West: 3-1
Trey: 2-2
Johnny: 2-2
Storm: 2-2
Blue team:
James: 2-2
Felton: 2-2
Blatt: 2-2
PJ: 1-3
Leading Point Scorers
1. Jordan West – 3
2. Trey Zambito – 2
2. Johnny Belancic – 2
2. Eric Storm – 2
2. James McFadden – 2
2. Michael Felton – 2
2. Jared Blatt – 2
8. PJ Ratcliffe – 1
MVP: Jordan West
What’s left to be said that hasn’t been already? The resume speaks for itself. Only guy with a winning record for the tournament. Only Red Team member to win in the individual matchup to prevent a sweep and devastating way to lose the Cup. The clutch putting in the 2nd playoff round to keep it alive. The answer was obvious. Although to one Blue Team member, West was 3rd in line for the vote behind 1) Storm for his clutch shot in the 1st playoff round, having the only ball that landed on the green (fringe), and 2) Trey for being the one to finish it off. The remaining members from both teams cast their votes for West, earning him the 1st ever MVP trophy by nearly unanimous decision. But in a weird kind of way, it’s almost as if every member of the Red Team got a vote/partial vote for the award except Johnny. I’m sure that barely hurt his feelings and he hasn’t even thought about that once since.